guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
