You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
