apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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