And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
