God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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