she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
