did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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