she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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