just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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