Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
