You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
