i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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