Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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