I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
