He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
