ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
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