What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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