I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
