He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You don't make any sense
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