Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
