I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
