As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Oh god it's open bar.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
