my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
