I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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