the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize