a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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