I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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