Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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