i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
