My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
