Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
