dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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