I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
