I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
