Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
