Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
