There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize
