Can i not drive my cunt home
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
