You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
