Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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