I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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