Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
