She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
