I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
