After last night, I could never be a politician.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
