She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
