I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize