My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
