just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
