I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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