So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
