I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
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