Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
