Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
