she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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