I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
