You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
The power of my boobs compel you
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
