shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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