She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
