You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize